Dealing With The Past

Thinking back to my "single years",my self reflection helps me a lot in the process of understanding my every reaction to every situation.The way I handle things right now are mostly influenced by the effects of past experiences that brought strong emotional impact on me.Dealing with my present life has something to do with my past life because the way I handle my self at this moment is still influenced by some things that happened in the past.

Here are some influencial things that possibly build up my present character:
1.past hopes and dreams(personal outlook)
2.my ability to cope on every situation and control over life
3.my sense of trust and security towards others
4.the way I handle myself on a relationship
5.my emotional responses/handling my feelings

Being single and still naive,my hopes and dreams changed as I mature from a teenage girl into a woman.At first my hopes were to finish college,and find a nice job to help my family from poverty(yes I grew up in a poor family of 9 children).My parensts didn't want me to pursue college because they had enough with the eldest daughter who finished her studies but after,she got other plans on her own instead of helping back our parents.Yes,they expected her to pay back all the sacrifices they have made.And now that they got disappointed,the rest of us had to suffer the consequence.

My parents had no interest of supporting my studies.They just told me it was useless for a girl to be financed to finish college and then end up married and the husband will have to harvest what they have sown.It was a very striking phrase that really hurt me bad.And so,I rebelled and enrolled myself in college with the help of my sister,(she pursued her studies as a government scholar and worked part-time to support her food and other expenses) I also tried to stand on my own...Luckily my sister's employer also allowed me to work part-time.I also auditioned at the university chorale and passed as a soprano...so I got a discount on my tuition fee.I had to budget my salary for the weekly allowance+tuition+house rental since my parents are not really there to support me.

It was really a miracle how I managed to overcome all those challenges...behind my story I encountered kind and generous people(like my sister and mo co-workers) who helped me and supported me one way or another when I'm short with food budget(my mother sometimes asked my boss for a cash advance to pay for her photo expenses or bus fare(she's a photographer and has to go to the city to have her films developed).So,instead of her giving me something to help me survive in the city,it's me obliged to give her whatever I can give her.And so, to cut this painful story short,I still survived those 4 years of traumatic and painful situations.

Before,my dream was to find my ideal man who is tall,handsome,and rich,loving,understanding,thoughtful,faithful etc.But all of my boyrfiends were too far from being that man.Then I realized a man like that does not exist.And so, I had to deal with what package they had to offer...first bf(he was too good for me) only lasts for a day or 2 coz I just suddenly changed my mind.I got scared that I panic the next day to learn that I have a boyfriend.I think he got the qualities that qualify for that man I'd be willing to marry(he's not rich but it's not the reason I backed out)I was thinking I was still too young(18yrs old) to get a very serious boyfriend like him and so I decided not to talk to him anymore...just like that...no formal break-up(I know I was crazy and cruel...sorry M....)I got scared I'd follow the same path like my sisters and be cursed again by my parents...(the scholar got pregnant and had to get married to her boyfriend to give her child a legitimate father...the strict Catholic mentality that women are obliged to do to be formally accepted in the society)She lost her scholarship but still she was able to finish her course.The eldest sister who finished college and got a job got pregnant as well and again had to marry the father of her baby.

Second boyfriend,I got cheated(he shagged another girl and the girl got pregnant not knowing who's the real father).Yeah...bad karma.He tried to get back with me by threatening to kidnap me or messing up the other girl's life(the girl he shagged was a friend and she got a boyfriend but told me before that she's got a crush on my boyfriend)...to cut this really crazy story,I got back with him for a few days and then managed to ask him to let me go...

Third boyfriend,only lasts for a month.I don't know how to explain our relationship.It was like he treated me like a goddess and him my slave.hahaha!I found him sooo nice and sooo shy and sooo obedient and sooo quiet.It's too much outbalanced that I could spoil myself and make him suffer.Having me in his life kind of made him feel inferior.I don't want to keep him just because of that.It made me feel guilty that he lost his self worth and self respect for the sake of me.And so I tried to let him understand the reasons why our relationship will not work for long...he cried...but I guess he understood.

Then,Fourth boyfriend,another cheater(as I was told he got 1 or 2 more gf).I wanted to hear it directly from him but this time it was me who got no explanation.Weeks passed still no call,no visit,no news from him and so I just formally ended it up by email(the only way I can reach him successfully).Well,they all made me feel special...and although each found its own end,I had no regrets...there were no "below the belts" involved so the V-flag is still up...(Uh Uhhh...is that why they cheated?)

Before I finished college,my father suffered for months with cancer and then later on died and our family had to grief for the loss.I had to expect the unexpected and hope to be able to cope up with the loss.But anyway,it's not like I rely on him financially.I suffered a loss of a father and realized I can't control over some things like death.Instead,I have to accept the fate as another challenge.It made me change my perspective.My sense of trust and security on him has long been lost and so it was not so difficult for me to move on.What concerned me was how my other younger brothers and sisters would handle the loss.

My past life was very chaotic than my life right now.Ahhh...at last,tranquility!.Indeed life sometimes takes you up and then takes you down.There was a friend from my part-time work,Gina, who once saw me crying out my problems.She told me,"Dont worry too much,time will come,all those tears that drop from your eyes and all the pain you're feeling right now will be rewarded with tears of joy and happiness."And indeed, with patience and perseverance,I had overcome those trials in my life.Thanks to the curse of my parents that turned out to be a blessing.

By writing this story about my past life,it serves to me as a therapy to help me see where I came from and what I have done to reach where I am right now.Looking back how I got tossed and torn by fate and still manage to survive until now,it gives me more courage and inspiration to go on and live my this life I chose to follow...hoping and still dreaming of another bright future ahead.